Follow:
Motherhood

The Ugly Truth About Being A Mother

The ugly things people don't tell you about motherhood.

 

The moment I became a mother, my whole world was changed. So cliche, right? Yet it’s the truest statement ever made about motherhood.

There are some things that you hear over and over again when you first get pregnant; how much of a blessing your baby will be, how much you are going to love being a mother, etc. Blissful things that make you feel as if motherhood is just a big, fat piece of chocolate cake and all you have to do is sit and enjoy it. The worst thing you may hear is how you won’t sleep for the first couple of months or the ridiculous amount of diapers newborns go through… but you will learn those are only minor issues.

Don’t get me wrong, motherhood is full of those blissful things mentioned above. My babies really are blessings and I do love being a mother more than anything… but what I wished I had heard more of while I was pregnant was how hard it would be to actually adapt to becoming a mother. How your whole world would change and not just in the positive ways.

Here are some things I’ve learned about the reality of motherhood.

 

You will feel judged for every thing you do (or don’t do).

When I was pregnant with my oldest, my husband and I were living with two roommates. It was rare that we were ever alone. EVER. So after much consideration, we decided it would be best to not have any visitors at the hospital and instead have people visit us when we came home.

The backlash and judgement we received was almost enough to make us push aside the decision we made for ourselves and give in to what everyone else wanted us to do. As a new mom, I was hurt. Angry. I felt misunderstood. I couldn’t believe how harsh people’s reactions were simply because we wanted to spend a few days alone with our son. I felt as though I was already a failure.

But I soon learned that as a mother, I would constantly be under a microscope. I would constantly be judged for my every move. For a little while, I made decisions based on what was acceptable to others, no matter if it went against what I wanted for my family. Even then, I couldn’t please everyone.

Then I realized how silly that was. This was my family. These were my children, not anyone else’s. It was only when I stopped caring about other people’s opinions that I felt confident I was making good decisions for my family.

 

It’s okay to not be okay.

Postpartum depression can hit you hard and I mean really hard. It’s not something anyone should have to go through in silence, yet many of us do. We are so wrapped up in the idea that we have to enjoy motherhood 100% of the time and if we don’t, we’re “bad” moms.

Excuse my French but, that’s bullshit.

Being a mother is the most demanding job in the world and it takes some getting used to. If no one lets you know this, I will: it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to complain. It’s okay to cry out of frustration.  It’s okay to feel as though you just want to run away and hide.

What’s not okay is sweeping those emotions under the rug and not dealing with them. Reach out to those closest to you, join a mom support group, practice self-care, talk to your doctor- do what you need to do before those feelings overwhelm and consume you.

 

You don’t have to be “perfect”.

The “perfect” mom has everything under control; she’s always dressed well, never tired, her kids are behaved at all times, she has a 3 course meal on the table 7 nights a week and does it all with a smile on her face.

While all that certainly sounds nice, let’s get one thing straight- perfection is neither practical nor attainable. I can laugh at it now, but I wasted so much time trying to reach perfection and getting upset at myself for falling short. After all, the moms around me seemed to be doing it. Why couldn’t I?

No mother has it all under control and it’s not a competition. I recently read something along the lines of, “we keep trying to balance when motherhood is really just a juggling act’. I really resonated with that statement because in my 3 years of being a mother, I have never been able to find balance. That’s because there is no balance between all the hats we wear and all the to-do lists we make. As long as you are trying your best, you’re doing a great job.

 

Being a mother is not this glorious, magical thing that people make it out to be all the time. Sometimes it’s a headache, exhausting and downright frustrating. And despite that, I have never wished to go back in time. In fact, I feel as though it’s made me a better and stronger mother because I have accepted that I am human. I have accepted that having a bad day doesn’t make me a bad mom. I feel like I appreciate what I have that much more.

So what’s the truth about being a mother? It’s one hell of a ride but it’s totally worth it.

 

2

Share:
Previous Post Next Post

You may also like

  • “No mother has it all under control”–no truer words were ever spoken!

  • ontherytepaige

    While I am not a parent, I dig that you chip away at the unachievable concept of the perfect parent. 🙂

  • I especially identify with your pint about people expecting mothers to be perfect. It’s just not realistic. We have to extend grace to ourselves and others.

  • Raquel, I recently had a baby girl, and most of my conversations with family and friends during my pregnancy were about the pregnancy itself. I think I tuned out the positive comments about mamahood along with the (unwanted, but probably helpful) advice. Anyways the excitement and pure joy of having a baby really took me by surprise! I think you said it perfectly “It’s one hell of a ride but it’s totally worth it.” – Fatema@domamahood

    • Thank you and congratulations on your new little love!

  • These things I tell myself everyday. Great post. 😄👍

  • Wow! You nailed it!!

  • Pingback: 6 Steps To Take Before Trying To Conceive + $50 Giveaway! – The Cool Mom()

  • Pingback: The Cool Mom's Blog - 25 Romantic At Home Date Ideas For When You Don't Have A Sitter | The Cool Mom's Blog()

  • Marcie in Mommyland

    Yes the harsh criticism is a lot to process as a new Mom! After 3 years, I’m just now able to shake off most of the comments I receive (usually from family.)

  • Maria Manlangit

    Waaah arent these the ugly truths of motherhood!
    Sometimes i rattle up my brain trying to figure out what is the right way of motherhood. Then i realize, if there were ‘right ways’ id be 80% screwing it up with intent.
    The truth is..there isnt a right way…but just your way.

    Thanks for sharing!

  • Caitlin Rogers

    This hit so close to home, I actually got goosebumps. You are absolutely right about the judgment. A few days after I brought my first baby home, we had family visiting. They stayed for hours and kept passing him back and forth and I felt rude asking for him back. I ended up on my bathroom floor sobbing into a towel, and made my husband tell everyone I wasn’t feeling well. I learned a big lesson from that! Speak up before it gets to that point! I tell ALL of my girlfriends when they are pregnant, that it is OK to say no visitors and stand their ground. It’s also OK to change your mind after the baby comes, because you have no idea what in the heck your emotions are going to do. It does get easier and now I can just brush off the judgmental comments!
    Caitlin
    http://www.rogerspartyof5.com

    • That just made me tear up! Oh, love I am so sorry you felt that way in your own home. Thank you for taking that experience and letting others know that standing up for themselves is okay. <3

  • Thomas N Brittany Marshall

    So many mamas need to hear this! I am 4 kid in and still learning to stop being so hard on myself. Society does that for me! I love my kids with all my heart. That doesn’t make parenting a piece of cake unfortunately. I believe most of us do the best we know how and learn as we go. We should spend more time lifting each other up instead of tearing each other down…

    • I think all of us, even the strongest of us, can be hard on ourselves from time to time. But we don’t need other people being hard on us, we need them to lift us up. You’re totally right.

  • Maps & Monograms

    Oh wow, so many moms need to hear/read this. You hit it all exactly on the head, especially with the judgement. At the end of the day, we all parent differently. There is no perfect, set-in-stone way to do it. As long as we don’t totally screw up our kids, then we’ve done our jobs 🙂

  • Kim Amy

    Yes, I am lucky to live between two wonderful mothers. We all parent differently and we all respect how we are raising our children. We are each others support and respite care providers when one just needs to run, or can’t get their kids to school on time. None of us are super-mom but we are all terrific mothers.

  • I really enjoyed this post. Sometimes I need reminded that things will never be perfect. I stress myself out when I should do what I can and appreciate the moments.

  • Maria Criselda Maquiling

    being a mother helped me become less judgemental. I guess being judged 24/7 by others helped a lot =) I use to worry about people’s opinion but like you said, even you did care, you can’t please them all. as I grew wiser in years, I learned not to give a @#$. Motherhood became so much easier when you don’t let the opinion of others matter

  • Tina

    I started off ready to disappoint people, have them judge me, and me not care. My mother-in-law told my husband when I was pregnant with our 1st that he needed to ask me if she could be in the room while I gave birth. Why didn’t she ask herself? Because the woman never talked to me, except behind my back. You can guess what my answer was (I even made it colorful for her). I decided at that point that this whole parenting journey of ours, was ours. We made the decisions, and those that care about us love us still and abide by our wishes. When women are pregnant with their 1st, looking for newborn care and parenting advice, this is the kind of post they need to make their priority. They need to know to trust themselves and not worry so much about others. And they will NEVER be perfect. Except in their kid’s eyes. That’s all that counts.

    • Yikes! Sorry you had to go through that, but I’m also so happy you realized early on that YOU are the parents. I wish I had realized that sooner!

  • i love your honesty! there are a lot of ugly truths about motherhood that people dont want to acknowledge, but will still point out-like judging

  • I love this. We have all probably experienced judgement from other parents, and it sucks but we are all doing the best we can!

  • All of this is so, so true. It sucks how judged we are (or even how often we feel like we might be judged even if we aren’t) for our choices. We just need to be lifting each other up!

    • I agree! As long as our kids are happy and taken care of, the rest shouldn’t matter.

  • miles and ellie

    As a new mom, I can completely relate to the feelings of pressure by those around you and the judgement you receive (both from others and yourself) but you said it perfectly. We’re human. We are going to make mistakes, we can’t do it all, and we should be supporting each other. No one is perfect but most of us are doing the best we can.

  • Gina Nichols

    I’m in my 4th year of motherhood and this is still SO true. I feel so much pressure to be this perfect, fit, well-dressed mom. Judgement is everywhere, and it’s easy to judge others, too. At the end of the day, all that matters is that our kids are happy, feel safe and loved. We are super mamas!

    • You are killing it at motherhood, mama. Those pressures are just too much and too absurd for anyone to live up to.

  • Jaclyn Bree

    There’s no denying that momming is one tough job. But it well and truly is worth every moment. When I had my first baby (expecting #2 right quick!) I became a whole different person. And I like the person I became a lot more than I liked the old me. Old me worried about things that actually weren’t important. New me can look past the things that just aren’t a big deal. New me rocks! I don’t know if old me ever rocked, but she certainly never felt like it.

    • I can’t tell you how much this resonates with me! I’m so glad the new you is here and you love her!